Does Grandma love me?

Vivian was like most little just-turned-four year olds.   Mom could hardly keep up.   The two of them had just returned from a trip to Grandma's and Vivian couldn't wait to get out of the car, and usually out of her clothes and go to her room and play.   She would dance and talk to herself and her babies.   Vivian loved her babies.  She would take at least one or more if mom let her everywhere she went.   For a four year old, mom recognized Vivian connected people relationally very well.   Whenever she would go to the store she would be quick to point out the babies momma.   It wasn't to long ago she connected the daddy to the momma and momma to the baby.   This always amazed mom.  She marveled at how sharp Vivian's mind connected the dots.   The opposite was true as well.    She always knew when one of the pieces was missing.  She would point out, mom,  that is her momma as she pointed to the mom holding the infant.   Mom would always respond.  That's right Vivian.  Isn't she cute?  Vivian would be quick to ask, where is the momma's daddy?   By "daddy" she meant husband.  But to a four year old every one has a daddy or should have a daddy.

Vivian came running in from her room with everything off but her tighty whities.  She loved to be naked.   When she played and was deep in thought she would twirl her hair and play with her navel.   She was so adorable mom could hardly stand it.   Vivian bounced around with her favorite doll and then mom noticed how she got still.   As she was deep in thought she wondered over to mom with a perplexed look on her face.  Mom knew that look and knew a question was coming soon.   Mom reached out to Vivian and invited her into her lap.  Vivian looking down and then looked up into Mom's eyes and asked,  Why doesn't Grandma live in Grandpa's house?   Mom knew this question was going to come up one day but never did she believe it would happen this soon.   Mom, wanting to buy some time to come up with an answer said,  Well Vivian, I am not real sure.  It is difficult to explain.  Not satisfied at all.  Vivian asked, doesn't Grandpa love Grandma?   Mom felt a little twinge of the almost forgotten pain at the question.  Oh no Vivian, Grandpa loves Grandma very much, mom quickly responded.

Vivian looking down again deep in thought.   Mom knew that this was very confusing for her.   Afterall everyone needs a "daddy" in Vivian's simple little world.  Vivian asked the obvious question, but she said so slowly almost as if afraid to ask the question or afraid of the answer.  Does Grandma love Grandpa?   Now the slight pain in mom's belly was sharp and all too familar.   It had been some time since mom's parents got a divorce and the pain that was there had been suppressed for a while.  It had been so long that mom thought that maybe it had gone away for good but no it was only dormant waiting for this moment.  Mom looked Vivian in those big blue eyes and said, Baby, I believe at one time she did and she still may but it's difficult to explain. 

Being intuitive beyond her years mom could see the wheels turning in Vivian's head.   Maybe Vivian isn't a chess player or a child prodigy but she puts 2 and 2 together very quickly even if she can't quite articulate it It is there.   Vivian looked back at mom and with a hint of tear in her eyes and a quiver in her voice she asked, "Are You Going to Leave Daddy?"   Vivian's neat little innocent world was being rocked right in front of her.  Vivian's 2 and 2 where coming together.  If Grandma left Grandpa then her mom might leave her daddy.  Mom quickly and with as much conviction and sincerity as she could muster looked Vivian in the eyes and with grief and remorse tried to assure her, Oh Vivian, momma is never going to leave daddy.  We will always be together.   Momma held Vivian really tight.   Vivian looked back at momma paused for a moment  and then asked, "Does Grandma Love Me?"   Again this floored mom.  Vivian recognized that if Grandma's idea of love included leaving Grandpa then whose to say Grandma won't leave her too someday.   Momma again quickly responded, Oh Vivian, Grandma loves you more than anything.

As Mom said those words she knew they rang hollow and thin.   If Vivian doesn't know now she will learn love is a verb it is not what someone says but rather it is what someone does that demonstrates their love.   The same pain that mom felt when her parents divorced she knew was now being visited upon her daughter.   As she held Vivian close she silently plead with God.  Oh Lord please please give my husband and I grace to stick together.  Don't let us ever yield to temptation or wander from you.   Please keep us God.  Please, for Vivian's sake and her children.

Really? Seriously? Nothing?

Do "nothing" out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Phillipians 2:3

Really Paul? You can't be serious can you? "Nothing"? Really? ....... I am so not there. In fact just about everything I do is out of gross self interest. Surely Paul's words don't apply in the grocery store do they? We have all been there. You spot a lane at the grocery store and you look up and so did a guy on the other side and your in a hurry. My first thought is "speed up". Get there first. Isn't it true we have that thought every day all day? Getting to the isle first would be selfish so on my better days I let the guy go ahead. But where I think it is most difficult and also the greatest test is when we have been wronged by another person.

The greater the offense the harder Paul's words become. "Do "nothing" out of selfish ambition. Consider others better than yourselves." This is impossible when we believe we have "rights". It is so easy to fall into the trap of the world mindset that says we deserve better, we deserve more. We easily say to ourselves "It's my turn" I am doing this for me" All those "me" statements are very real and natural to the carnal flesh. And no doubt Dr. Phil would affirm your right to happiness. But Paul's admonishment is the exact opposite of the "Me First" way. As Christ continues to transform my heart I grow ever increasingly aware of my self centered ways.

In my depraved state I just have one set of lenses. They are the "me" lenses. And those are the only lenses I see everything through. You see it everywhere in advertising. We live in the entitlement age. We have all seen the ads with common themes like "you deserve the best" You deserve the nice car, nice house, nice whatever, and you especially deserve a break. The reality is that we don't "deserve" to be happy. It is NOT our right. What we deserve is death. What we get is life and freedom. Freedom to serve the One who purchased us with His own blood. Paul said, "I am not my own, I have been bought with a price." I Cor 6. We serve at His pleasure. He does what He wants to when He wants to with us.

To make a statement like "I deserve this or that" or "I am not going to put up with it any longer", is a form of rebellion that has no place within the heart of the believer. We serve at His pleasure. He determines what we put up with and for how long.

While Paul was in prison, beaten, starved, cold and wet, chained to the wall, he wrote to the Phillippian believers. He could have wrote of his sufferings, his health, his loneliness, his anger at his tormentors, his mistreatment, the injustice, his wounds, or his hunger. But had he done so he would have not been able to write "do nothing out of selfish ambition" he follows it up with the impossible "consider others better than yourself". If he is going to be true to that statement then he can't dwell on his pain and suffering can he? Rather he has to do what he did and that is focus on the Philippians and their needs and his desire to see God's glory magnified in his trials.

By the end of his letter to the Philippians he writes "Rejoice and again he said to rejoice" Phillipians 4. In his sufferings, while focusing on others, he comes to a place of peace and can say "Rejoice!" Paul puts me to shame. In his suffering he was true to his exhortation. While he could have, like me focused on his pain, he instead focused on the only lasting joy, the edification of the Lord's glory and His great name. Focusing on others provided the strength that he needed to endure but Paul gives another clue to his unbelievable overcoming strategy.

In his letter to the Romans Paul doesn't dwell on the past or his present condition but rather he looks to the hope he has in Christ. In Romans he writes, "The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." Romans 8:16-18

Do I truly believe that the future glory is worth any pain I might endure here? Do I truly believe that in spite of pain or offenses that I should serve others including those who offend in hope of realizing a greater glory? If given the choice of removing myself from any discomfort and pain or remaining faithful and serving others would I choose to stay and serve? What do I believe? When is faith most evident? Is it most evident in good times or is it's greatest demonstration in times of pain?

I guess I need some more time on the alter putting my flesh to death