Does Grandma love me?

Vivian was like most little just-turned-four year olds.   Mom could hardly keep up.   The two of them had just returned from a trip to Grandma's and Vivian couldn't wait to get out of the car, and usually out of her clothes and go to her room and play.   She would dance and talk to herself and her babies.   Vivian loved her babies.  She would take at least one or more if mom let her everywhere she went.   For a four year old, mom recognized Vivian connected people relationally very well.   Whenever she would go to the store she would be quick to point out the babies momma.   It wasn't to long ago she connected the daddy to the momma and momma to the baby.   This always amazed mom.  She marveled at how sharp Vivian's mind connected the dots.   The opposite was true as well.    She always knew when one of the pieces was missing.  She would point out, mom,  that is her momma as she pointed to the mom holding the infant.   Mom would always respond.  That's right Vivian.  Isn't she cute?  Vivian would be quick to ask, where is the momma's daddy?   By "daddy" she meant husband.  But to a four year old every one has a daddy or should have a daddy.

Vivian came running in from her room with everything off but her tighty whities.  She loved to be naked.   When she played and was deep in thought she would twirl her hair and play with her navel.   She was so adorable mom could hardly stand it.   Vivian bounced around with her favorite doll and then mom noticed how she got still.   As she was deep in thought she wondered over to mom with a perplexed look on her face.  Mom knew that look and knew a question was coming soon.   Mom reached out to Vivian and invited her into her lap.  Vivian looking down and then looked up into Mom's eyes and asked,  Why doesn't Grandma live in Grandpa's house?   Mom knew this question was going to come up one day but never did she believe it would happen this soon.   Mom, wanting to buy some time to come up with an answer said,  Well Vivian, I am not real sure.  It is difficult to explain.  Not satisfied at all.  Vivian asked, doesn't Grandpa love Grandma?   Mom felt a little twinge of the almost forgotten pain at the question.  Oh no Vivian, Grandpa loves Grandma very much, mom quickly responded.

Vivian looking down again deep in thought.   Mom knew that this was very confusing for her.   Afterall everyone needs a "daddy" in Vivian's simple little world.  Vivian asked the obvious question, but she said so slowly almost as if afraid to ask the question or afraid of the answer.  Does Grandma love Grandpa?   Now the slight pain in mom's belly was sharp and all too familar.   It had been some time since mom's parents got a divorce and the pain that was there had been suppressed for a while.  It had been so long that mom thought that maybe it had gone away for good but no it was only dormant waiting for this moment.  Mom looked Vivian in those big blue eyes and said, Baby, I believe at one time she did and she still may but it's difficult to explain. 

Being intuitive beyond her years mom could see the wheels turning in Vivian's head.   Maybe Vivian isn't a chess player or a child prodigy but she puts 2 and 2 together very quickly even if she can't quite articulate it It is there.   Vivian looked back at mom and with a hint of tear in her eyes and a quiver in her voice she asked, "Are You Going to Leave Daddy?"   Vivian's neat little innocent world was being rocked right in front of her.  Vivian's 2 and 2 where coming together.  If Grandma left Grandpa then her mom might leave her daddy.  Mom quickly and with as much conviction and sincerity as she could muster looked Vivian in the eyes and with grief and remorse tried to assure her, Oh Vivian, momma is never going to leave daddy.  We will always be together.   Momma held Vivian really tight.   Vivian looked back at momma paused for a moment  and then asked, "Does Grandma Love Me?"   Again this floored mom.  Vivian recognized that if Grandma's idea of love included leaving Grandpa then whose to say Grandma won't leave her too someday.   Momma again quickly responded, Oh Vivian, Grandma loves you more than anything.

As Mom said those words she knew they rang hollow and thin.   If Vivian doesn't know now she will learn love is a verb it is not what someone says but rather it is what someone does that demonstrates their love.   The same pain that mom felt when her parents divorced she knew was now being visited upon her daughter.   As she held Vivian close she silently plead with God.  Oh Lord please please give my husband and I grace to stick together.  Don't let us ever yield to temptation or wander from you.   Please keep us God.  Please, for Vivian's sake and her children.

How "beautiful" He is

A continuation of several posts expounding on each line of the song "How He Loves Us". I hope you enjoy this as much as I do.

"And I realize just how beautiful You are, And how great Your affections are for me".
...But he who has been forgiven little loves little. Luke 7:47
.... when he came to his senses Luke 5:17

Kim Walker ~ How He Loves US with lyrics
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-rW528qiYw

Love is an amazing emotion that God has given mankind the capacity to enjoy and reciprocate. The trouble is the human heart, on its own, doesn't fully understand love nor do we appreciate love or know how to give or receive love. This is only possible by the work of the Holy Spirit. I sighted these two verses because they are two of my favorite stories told in scripture that gives us insight into an appropriate response to God's kind of love.

The first is the story of a "sinful" woman who anointed Jesus feet while He was "reclining" with a group of men. I envision a group of guys hanging out telling stories and laughing, making lots of noise. And then this woman shows up and the room gets very quiet. As she breaks open the jar of perfume and begins to wash Jesus feet there are hushed whispers all over the room. No one can believe what is happening and that Jesus is allowing this "sinful" woman to continue. Jesus explains to Peter with an analogy of forgiven debt and delivers this powerful line, "he who has been forgiven little loves little". When I read this I think about my life and the rest of us who grew up in church all our lives. We grow up in comparison mode of lying to ourselves we are "good" people. We don't fall into any of the major sins therefore we are better and deserving. This is a dangerous horrible place to be because it limits our capacity to love Him.

Don't get me wrong I don't want my children to ever experience the consequences of dark deep rooted sin. But the reality is all of our hearts are deep and dark and filled with sin, we just don't know it until the Holy Spirit reveals our hearts to us. There is none good no not one. We believe the lie that we ever were. Because of this lie we sit around a room whispering while the "sinner" is absolutely captivated by Him.

Gratefully, but with much pain, I had a "come to my senses" moment back in 2007. I had chosen a path that continually and progressively led me to a dark place. When that moment came, I call it my 2x4 moment because it felt like I had been hit in the head with a 2x4, I came to my senses. In that moment I stood in my filth. I was disgusted by what I had done and who I had become. I was lost and I knew it. I had no hope and like the boy in the story in Luke 5 all I wanted to do was go home. But like him, I didn't know if He would have me. It is then I looked up in the middle of my mess; filthy, dirty, desperately wanting to be clean that I saw the Savior. All I saw was this pure, holy, "beautiful" God that looked at me with love and desire.

Unconditional love is so unlike anything that we could ever imagine or give or even receive on human terms. We don't even expect it from one another. We all believe that we have to perform, or provide, or be something of worth before someone will love us. As I stood there with nothing of worth but who I was; I had nothing to offer but me and who could love that? But He did. There is no explanation for why He chose to love me. Why He would choose me. It truly is of no doing of my own. He just does. There is no other words to describe it but "beautiful". In that line in the song it is so simple but so powerful, "and I realized just how beautiful Y0u are and how great Your affections are for me." This captures that moment. Like when the woman caught in adultery and Jesus lifts her head and ask where are your accusers? This is that beautiful moment.

I so wish I had come to this place without having gone the dark path. I so desire for my children to be spared the pain of sin and pray for mercy over them. But I also feel sad for church goers who aren't moved in worship by a Savior that is so great, and so gracious, loving, so forgiving and oh so beautiful. In that moment when I am so overwhelmed by, captivated by, enraptured by His great love I gladly forsake all my junk, my sin, my filth, for Him. If only for a moment I can possess Him, have Him, obtain Him. If were the whole realm of nature mine that were an offering far too small. Love so amazing so divine, demands my soul, my life, my all.